today.

Linds,

I’ve been thinking about what I would write today for weeks. I’ve thought it over so many times and just avoided sitting down to put anything on paper. Last night I laughed to myself realizing how much more of a Lindsay move this is than an Amanda move. I remember when we were planning our fundraiser at Duke, I’d be silently freaking out that I hadn’t heard anything from you about some silly task. Like magic, though, you’d always have it done, and done perfectly, when we needed it. So, let’s call this my step 1 towards becoming more spontaneous.

I can’t believe it’s been 2 years. I know that’s what everyone says when they reflect on the passage of time since some life event. I’m not even sure that people really mean anything when they say it. I can’t believe that it’s been 2 years, because 2 years seems both way too long and way too short to describe the amount of time that you’ve been gone. On the one hand, I honestly feel like it can’t possibly have been years since I last saw or spoke to you. I have so many memories, so many stories that involve you, and I don’t really understand how it’s been years since we’ve made new stories together. Your huge personality, radiance, beauty, and love are literally able to transverse time, and I can still feel your presence and channel your reaction, energy, strength, and spirit accompanying me through life. Needless to say, our time as best friends was cut unjustly short, but I am so lucky to have had such a powerful friendship. It’s hard to describe a friendship with a best friend, and also feels a little bit like kissing-and-telling, sharing intimate details that weren’t intended for others. Everyone whom you have touched has shared countless stories, undeniably confirming that you were the most amazing person they’d met, and of course this rings true for me. I guess what I can add is that it is so, so rare to have a best friend who is your “everything” best friend. You know, there are friends whom you confide in, but aren’t the most fun. There are friends to party with, but you’d never trust. There are friends to gossip with, friends to debate with, friends to drag on errands, and friends to watch mindless TV and eat hundreds of M&Ms with. You, Linds, were my everything best friend. Most people don’t find that in a lifetime. That type of friendship endures the passage of time, and I can’t wrap my head around the fact that it’s been several hundred days since I’ve made new memories with you.

On the other hand, 2 years doesn’t possibly sound long enough to describe the number of days I’ve gotten through without you. Literally once a day I need to stop myself from reaching for my phone to call or text you. I need your advice, your encouragement, your approval for my questionable behaviors, and I need to brag or complain to you about sciencey things that no one else cares about, to online shop with you and make you justify my ridiculous purchases, or obviously to gossip with you about who wore what (or who fell during the Oscars but looked totally badass doing it). I am so lucky that our friendship was so full that I can channel you in most of these situations, but I miss you immensely every single solitary day.

Yesterday I spent the day working with DKMS on a new PSA and training video for donor drive volunteers. I couldn’t have picked a better way to spend some of my time this week. I told “my story” (laughing so hard at how daunting those 2 words were to you) countless times, and honestly, Linds, people continue to be touched and blown away by you. You just can’t make up a person like you. One of the other “talents” (yes, I’m a talent, get used to it) there yesterday was a guy who got swabbed at the Long Island drive and went on to donate and save someone’s life. He told everyone who would listen how inspired he was by you and how honored he is to be able to do this in your legacy. He also called it a “done marrow boner” and a “boner drive” multiple times. Oh yea, and they had to adjust the camera angle numerous times because I looked "a little midgety." Literally unreal. You would’ve loved it.

Last night it poured, obviously - the type of torrential rain that either depresses or comforts you. I definitely wasn’t wearing the right shoes, and my hair and makeup from the shoot didn’t bode well. But I knew it meant you were here with me, helping me through a hard day, and giving your stamp of approval on “my story.” Today is a perfect amount of overcast. We need a little bit of pathetic fallacy here I guess. Over-accessorizing for you today. Maybe Jane and Howie will let me do some online shopping on them (hint, hint).

Totally didn’t read this over. But I know you’re not judging me. Step 2 in spontaneity.

Love you and miss you so so so freaking much. INFINITE kisses.

xxxx,

z