Please use this blog to remember, share and honor ALL that was the endlessly charismatic Lindsay Rawot. This Cruel Summer banner was personally designed by Lindsay as the header for one of her own blogs.

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

tweezers

Anyone who has ever traveled with me knows that there are two things that I CANNOT travel without: tweezers and nail clippers. Due to unforeseen circumstances, despite obviously packing these two items for my family trip to Europe last week, I wound up tweezer-less and clipper-less very shortly into my trip. Obviously, an emergency text was sent to my mom, obliging her to rescue me by bringing these items (specific types, of course) when she met me in Barcelona a few days later.

As I was unpacking my shiny new orange (duh) tweezermans into my medicine cabinet tonight, I was reminded that I was not the only one with this (in)secure attachment to perfectly plucked eyebrows. On the first night that Lindsay had to stay in the hospital, she sent Emily and I to her apartment to collect some of her belongings. Naturally, this included her pillow, a very specific soft hoodie that I was instructed would be in one of the piles on her floor that "looked clean," leggings, face wash, etc, but Lindsay also demanded her tweezers. A strange request to some, but not to me. When I got back to her hospital room that night to watch the final votes come in, granting Obama the presidency, Lindsay realized that her bed tray had a little drawer in it. There are probably a number of "normal" things that one would think to put in this drawer - a pen and paper, chapstick, tissues, I don't know ... but Lindsay tucked her tweezers and a small mirror right into that drawer, to always be easily reachable. Smartest girl. You really never know when you'll have an eyebrow emergency. Seriously.

Linds, I don't know if anyone will ever get me quite like you do. Love and miss you every single day, and a little more when I'm tweezing my eyebrows or cutting my cuticles (a story for another day ...)

Infinite love baby xxxxx
z

Saturday, June 8, 2013


Hi all-
How amazing this is to see everyone's pictures. What a beautiful day.

Three years ago I made Lindsay a couple mix cds for her 23rd birthday. Suffice it to say, I listened to them much more than I think she ever did. However, I could think of nothing better to do with the last two days than to ponder music, and ponder Lindsay, and make something to share with everyone. Kudos to my tech guru, Davis, who is also my bartender at the moment. We're watching ferries and the sun is finally coming out.

Music is really tough. It's nothing if it doesn't break your heart. I went to a concert this year and cried through the entire set. I'm sure some of you know how long it can take to be able to listen to music again without combusting. There's nothing profound about this mixtape, only the intention to be happy, or sad, or feel whatever other stuff you like to feel.

So grab someone you love and dance. DEFINITELY dance!

Lindsay, we miss you and love you. You're always dancing in my head.

P.s. if you were on a certain email chain with Lindsay in the late summer of 2008, you might recognize one of these :)

Here are links to both playlists. You can download the zip files and to then enjoy all the music files + playlist file for iTunes!

Playlist 1:

https://www.dropbox.com/s/grkqygwr0bfj45g/LAR.zip

*apparently "Last thing on your mind" requires permission. Here's a different file for just that song:

https://www.dropbox.com/s/hm1gghp4knxivv9/LIGHTS%20%27The%20Last%20Thing%20on%20Your%20Mind%27%20Lyrics.mp3

Playslist 2:

https://www.dropbox.com/s/m9z0b6fh8bkptj6/LAR-2.zip

Happy Birthday, Linds!

Emily made you a fantastic photo tribute for your special day. I missed the deadline. Neither of these things would surprise you. Here are a few shots of two of my favorite memories with you - Disney World and Ryan's 21st in NY. I especially like the one of you with Mickey because it reminds me of how adorably freaked out you were by all the characters. Miss your beautiful face, as always. xoxo




Linds- you ruled then, you rule now. This is precisely how i remember you every day- happy, confident and just...awesome. Happy beautiful day, Linds. We miss you too much around here.
Nice birks by the way...may try and bring those back in style.
Love you.

Happy Birthday Lindsay


More pics!

Thank you to Grace and Allyson for a few more!  There could never be enough.   If anyone else has any, send my way!  Or to Billie and John and Brandon!








Happy birthday to the most beautiful girl.

Linds-

Happy birthday.    Like the years past and for every year to come, I will use this day to celebrate so much. All that was amazing about you, my good fortune in having your memory so intertwined with my own, and the innumerable things you taught me about fortitude, character, friendship, love, and generosity through your life, however short.   June 8th will always be one of my favorite days due to the richness of you.

In one of the voicemails I have from you, left on my birthday, you said it best.  "There is just so much that I want to say."  On our less articulate days, we had a habit of letting SomeEcards do the talking.  So today will be no different.  You would hate this amount of attention, but please know, that I think the world needs a little reminding today of how beautiful you are and how your beauty lives on through the people you surrounded yourself with.

Lots of love to all of LARs followers.  Please enjoy these pictures pulled from an enormous archive I have and have always wanted to share.  The SomeEcards were all pulled directly from my Inbox.  Gifts from Lindsay, so generous she was.   Cheers to you Linds.





Happy Birthday Linds!!


Linds,

Happy Birthday!! I wrote a super sad/sappy/emotional letter to you earlier this week but decided not to post it, because it’s your birthday and today is a day of happiness and celebration. I will not be sad.

Instead, for your birthday, I’m giving myself a gift.  And that gift is to chill out.  You and I both know that I have a slight problem with this concept and the past three months have been even rougher than my usual.  But, for you, I’m willing to compromise. Starting today, life comes first – I will not let grades or scores control my life and I will put happiness first.  In the next year, I vow to take more trips, read more (for fun), tell my friends and family that I love them every day, and definitely do a lot more dancing.  When I need perspective, I often watch this little man and think about how much you would love him (I know I do): https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=l-gQLqv9f4o

Anyways, I’ve got a kind of big test coming up in a couple of days and I know you’re with me, so I'm going to stop with the stress.  I’m taking my last practice test after I post this and, if it doesn’t go well, I’m wearing a super cute dress (for your birthday, of course) so maybe I’ll just go pick up a Neurosurgeon and call it a day.  After this is all over, maybe I’ll throw on some of my crazy neon Supré cloths from Australia and try to recreate one of our ridiculous nights out, though it could never be the same without you.

I love you so so much and I wish that we could go out tonight and play Dare Versus Dare, have a dance-off in the pouring rain, or eat a mountain of Tim Tams together.

Love you always and forever,
Lauren

P.S. I've tried to find pictures that I haven't already given to your parents, and I think that this might be it, but I've got a whole album of just you that I like to keep around... Somehow this set just highlights how you could pull off the American Apparel t-shirt + accessories look and still look more glamorous than everyone else combined.






happy birthday linds.

on days like today, I miss you a little more than usual. let's be honest, I miss you every single day. my life is not the same without you in it. on days like today, it helps to think back on all the happy times...

the beginning- 6th grade blossom. you and I went on a blossom double date with Ben I and Damon B. somehow we were talked into kissing a frog for a prize. this would mark the first of many new things we would try together. the rest is history- many more blossoms, parties at your house, an arrest, LAX seasons, football games, high school dances, college visits, a european adventure, canadian road trips, NYEs, xmas gift exchanges, concerts... there isn't much we didn't do together. as we begin to celebrate the first bitch marriage, its hard not to feel like something or more appropriately, someone is missing. I can only imagine what kind of antics you would come up with for the bachelorette party. I'll try to incorporate a "Lindsay idea" in the festivities. I hope you approve.


this is another one of my favorites- another adventure together, our first rave concert. of course, you took charge of the outfits and accessories. only you knew what would be appropriate, as you did for many occasions. I still find myself picking out things you would love- like an awesome necklace or a bright accessory. I think about you when I wear heels; if Lindsay could do it, I can do it. like Em said at the funeral, you taught us all so much; I hope we are making you proud.

one more for good measure. I am so thankful for having you in my life for as long as I did, but I still miss you every single day. not sure how they celebrate birthdays up there, but I am sure yours will be one to remember. LYMY always.

xoxo,
C

p.s. give Papa a hug for me!
p.p.s. I hope Rascal and Chip are friends up there!

Friday, March 1, 2013

An amazing letter from Max Thayer!

Hi all-  Shame on me!  Max Thayer was so sweet to have sent me this letter for Linds a few days ago.   Truly made me smile.  Miss you tons Max.


Lindsay, you still shine so brightly in our lives. I wish you were here. I wish you could see all we’ve done with you in our hearts. The marathons run. The triathlons conquered. Dollars raised, donors signed-up. All this passion you’ve inspired is astounding—and all so less fulfilling than spending more time with you! One more glass of wine at Nasher. One more idle afternoon on a sunny bench or at the beach. We miss you.
I’ll never forget the night we went to the Sydney Opera house. Sipping cocktails in the glow of the harbor lights, you were radiant. In that yellow dress (that only you could pull off!), the whole world was yours. It was a night that tingled with the electricity of youth and the present, but also a fearless hunger for the future.
It’s days like today that I wish I could call and check-in. See what you’re doing and where you’ve taken life. It breaks my heart that that can’t happen. …Lindsay, you are a phenomenal person. We are blessed to have shared friendship and we all continue to find inspiration in your spirit.
Miss you so much,
Max

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

today.


Linds,

I’ve been thinking about what I would write today for weeks. I’ve thought it over so many times and just avoided sitting down to put anything on paper. Last night I laughed to myself realizing how much more of a Lindsay move this is than an Amanda move. I remember when we were planning our fundraiser at Duke, I’d be silently freaking out that I hadn’t heard anything from you about some silly task. Like magic, though, you’d always have it done, and done perfectly, when we needed it. So, let’s call this my step 1 towards becoming more spontaneous.

I can’t believe it’s been 2 years. I know that’s what everyone says when they reflect on the passage of time since some life event. I’m not even sure that people really mean anything when they say it. I can’t believe that it’s been 2 years, because 2 years seems both way too long and way too short to describe the amount of time that you’ve been gone. On the one hand, I honestly feel like it can’t possibly have been years since I last saw or spoke to you. I have so many memories, so many stories that involve you, and I don’t really understand how it’s been years since we’ve made new stories together. Your huge personality, radiance, beauty, and love are literally able to transverse time, and I can still feel your presence and channel your reaction, energy, strength, and spirit accompanying me through life. Needless to say, our time as best friends was cut unjustly short, but I am so lucky to have had such a powerful friendship. It’s hard to describe a friendship with a best friend, and also feels a little bit like kissing-and-telling, sharing intimate details that weren’t intended for others. Everyone whom you have touched has shared countless stories, undeniably confirming that you were the most amazing person they’d met, and of course this rings true for me. I guess what I can add is that it is so, so rare to have a best friend who is your “everything” best friend. You know, there are friends whom you confide in, but aren’t the most fun. There are friends to party with, but you’d never trust. There are friends to gossip with, friends to debate with, friends to drag on errands, and friends to watch mindless TV and eat hundreds of M&Ms with. You, Linds, were my everything best friend. Most people don’t find that in a lifetime. That type of friendship endures the passage of time, and I can’t wrap my head around the fact that it’s been several hundred days since I’ve made new memories with you.

On the other hand, 2 years doesn’t possibly sound long enough to describe the number of days I’ve gotten through without you. Literally once a day I need to stop myself from reaching for my phone to call or text you. I need your advice, your encouragement, your approval for my questionable behaviors, and I need to brag or complain to you about sciencey things that no one else cares about, to online shop with you and make you justify my ridiculous purchases, or obviously to gossip with you about who wore what (or who fell during the Oscars but looked totally badass doing it). I am so lucky that our friendship was so full that I can channel you in most of these situations, but I miss you immensely every single solitary day.

Yesterday I spent the day working with DKMS on a new PSA and training video for donor drive volunteers. I couldn’t have picked a better way to spend some of my time this week. I told “my story” (laughing so hard at how daunting those 2 words were to you) countless times, and honestly, Linds, people continue to be touched and blown away by you. You just can’t make up a person like you. One of the other “talents” (yes, I’m a talent, get used to it) there yesterday was a guy who got swabbed at the Long Island drive and went on to donate and save someone’s life. He told everyone who would listen how inspired he was by you and how honored he is to be able to do this in your legacy. He also called it a “done marrow boner” and a “boner drive” multiple times. Oh yea, and they had to adjust the camera angle numerous times because I looked "a little midgety." Literally unreal. You would’ve loved it.

Last night it poured, obviously - the type of torrential rain that either depresses or comforts you. I definitely wasn’t wearing the right shoes, and my hair and makeup from the shoot didn’t bode well. But I knew it meant you were here with me, helping me through a hard day, and giving your stamp of approval on “my story.” Today is a perfect amount of overcast. We need a little bit of pathetic fallacy here I guess. Over-accessorizing for you today. Maybe Jane and Howie will let me do some online shopping on them (hint, hint).

Totally didn’t read this over. But I know you’re not judging me. Step 2 in spontaneity.

Love you and miss you so so so freaking much. INFINITE kisses.
xxxx,
z

Some things never change.




Linds,

I should write more often.  It doesn’t feel like two years since I’ve seen you.  I will confess that every once in awhile, the reality that you’re gone paralyzes me.  I dread those moments because I'm always unprepared. It feels like my insides abruptly drain out of me and I’m left empty.  It doesn’t last long.  You are an extremely easy resource to replenish.   

Last week, you were in my dream.  We were back in Durham sharing a room, a definite downgrade from our Belmont apartment, but we didn’t mind.  I could distinctly smell your morning breath- a familiar scent thanks to the number of times we climbed into bed together in the mornings to nap and chat.  I miss your musk.  It was with me the rest of the day.  

I’m embarrassed to admit that I’ve been watching the Bachelor, though I don’t sense you’re judging.  It’s no House Hunters International, but there is a measure of suspense to it.  I’m totally convinced that one of the lucky contenders, Desiree, has stolen your legs.  During every rose ceremony, I see you from the waist down, as she stands there decked out.   It is the EXACT same posture you used to strike in the mirror right before we would go out.  Yes, during those precious minutes (read: hour) that you’d exceed me in getting ready,  I’d sink into our gold couch, cocktail in hand, and watch as you would stand in front of your dresser, knees locked, feet hip distance apart, face cemented in its 
overly serious primping stare.

                                           

Then, when you looked immaculate (as you always did), you’d turn, clap your hands together with your signature LAR smile, and declare that it was time.  I’d give anything for you to usher me out the door these days on a typical night out.   

I frequently toy around with veganism these days, and I think of you everytime I attempt to cook.  I seriously question how you got enough protein during your vegan days given that the fundamentals of your diet included smoothies, coconut milk ice cream, and pierogies. I try to sneak kale into as many recipes as I can in your honor, but only if its taste is adequately masked to your liking.  We both know it’s a pretty unlikable super food.   I let it rot often in my fridge in your honor as well.  

I still hate long tables during group dinners.  I always laugh to myself when I sit down at one.  We used to do mad amounts of maneuvering during the rush to sit down to ensure we’d end up near each other.  

                                   

Sometimes we would fail miserably, which meant that we’d spend the entire meal making eye contact and funny faces at each other at inopportune moments.   I still look for you at the end of every table.  

I could never online shop without you.  I still have so much to learn.   I don’t have the attention to detail. Or the patience.  Or the style that you did.   You were so freakishly good at sifting through page after page. Your laptop was permanently littered with at least 5 carts, filled to the brim, that you were in the midst of evaluating.   A week rarely went by without the arrival of a sizable package for you.  You’ll be proud to know that my desk job has finally made an online shopper of me. I partially blame you every time I pull the trigger.  

I feel like we’ve danced together so many times in the last two years even though we haven’t.   I find myself throwing my arms above my head, attempting to imitate your signature d-floor move.   

                                       
It’s a work in progress.   Every time I try, I smile so hard, because only you know what I’m doing.  It makes me miss you so much during the strangest times.   Like on seedy club dance floors or in dark basement bars.    

You’ve been with me during so many hard times in the last two years.   I know you were there as I went through your room with Billie last year.  An impossible task made bearable by the number of pieces of you I took home with me.  Thank you for saving the magnetic whiteboard from our fridge, literally as it was the day we moved out

.

I could never feel at home anywhere without you.   

You were with me in Maine the day I checked my dad in to the hospital.   You serve as a constant reminder for me to show strength of character and acceptance in the face of illness.   I don’t know how I would be surviving these days if you hadn’t taught me that lesson during the last few years of your life.  

You sat with Clare, Anne, and me in the pew that day in Portland last November- the hardest day we’ve faced since March 4th, 2011.  A moment doesn’t go by that the memory of you doesn’t inspire me to go any distance for a friend.  I’ll never, ever have a best friend like you, but I have many other best friends because of you. 


A lot's changed over the last seven hundred and thirty days, but you'll be relieved to know what hasn't. You are still my best friend and my soul mate. Things are still complicated, even according to Facebook. Your absence is a perpetual sting, your memory an endless smile, your spirit a fortuitous constant. I still miss you oh so much. 

Stay sparkly

Em